A Song In My Heart

I woke up this morning with a song in my heart. Unfortunately, it was a commercial jingle: "Call J.G. Wentworth, 877 CASH NOW."

My subconscious and I have talked about this sort of thing before. I thought we had reached an agreement that I'd only dream about attractive young women - no, no, I mean my wife! - dressed in filmy lingerie and not much of it. Failing that, I could be happy with a dream that has me hitting the World Series winning homerun for the Red Sox. (I'd also be glad to hit a World Series winning homerun for the Rockies, but only if it isn't against the Red Sox. If it's against the Yankees that would be especially sweet.)

But my subconscious is not my best friend.

Now about Mr. J.G. Wentworth, at 877 CASH NOW. He must be a wonderful man. He's spent millions of dollars on television ads, all in an effort to help cash-strapped Americans. His commercials have provided employment for any number of operatic singers dressed as subway passengers and ConEd workers. He'll pay cash for your structured annuity.

Exactly how much he's willing to pay for anyone's annuity is unspecified. In fact, as I think about it, isn't he offering a kind of life insurance on people with himself as beneficiary? He's betting that the person he buys out will live long enough for Mr. J.G. Wentworth to realize much more money than Mr. J.G. Wentworth will provide in cash now. Mr. Wentworth is hoping to profit from the tough circumstances many other people are experiencing.

Perhaps he isn't so wonderful after all.

I'll grant you that Mr. J.G. Wentworth is hardly the only one who makes money from other peoples' misery. Lawyers and realtors immediately spring to mind as people in professions that trade on human unhappiness. But Mr. J.G. Wentworth seems to be putting it on an industrial basis. "Step right up and sell your chance for solvency later in life in exchange for a temporary reduction in your indebtedness!"

In the Book of Genesis, Chapter 25, Esau sells his birthright to Jacob for a single meal. Isn't J.G. Wentworth working the same scam?

(Did you think this was going to be funny all the way through?)

(A question of historical significance: Bobby Kielty hit what turned out to be the World Series winning homerun for the Red Sox in 2007. Was that his last major league at-bat?)

(For the record, my wife is an attractive young woman, and I truly enjoy seeing her in filmy lingerie.)