The Pleasures of Men

Men take their enjoyment from a variety of things in life, and any individual man probably derives joy from a combination of things. Here are some things that bring happiness to men generally and to me especially.

It won't come as any surprise that romance and sex top the list. Many many men, maybe a majority, would say that the thrill of new love and the satisfaction of making love are the greatest experiences that a man can have. This extends even to men who give little visible sign that they think of themselves as lovers. My own father, as straight-laced a man as ever lived, used to go around singing a little song called "The Moonlight Gambler," that included the line, "If you haven't gambled for love and romance, then you haven't gambled at all." Viagra would not sell nearly so well if men didn't look wistfully back at their lost potency when they reach a certain age.

The mention of gambling leads us to another kind of pleasure, the enjoyment of a game of chance. Matching wits with other gamblers, calculating the odds, laying money you really can't afford to lose on the table gives some men a charge that's almost like an electrical shock. Celebrating victory when your horse comes in, when your team scores a winning touchdown in the waning seconds of the game, ribbing the losing gamblers - all that is just marvelous.

There are others who prize the world of the intellect. We imagine them sitting around evenings in smoking jackets, drinking brandy from balloon glasses, while they discuss the importance of the middle game in chess, or offer analyses of our foreign policy. An insight that has escaped the common run of men is valued above all else for such chaps.

The ecstasy of religious fervor motivates many men. The chance of salvation (or the fear of damnation) is what is uppermost on their minds. The premises of religion also lead good and decent men into service to others, which is a kind of subtle satisfaction that can hardly be equaled, much less exceeded.

Perhaps an adjunct of this kind of pleasure comes from ambition, the driving force for many men. Increasing responsibility and authority is what they're after, the prerogative of making important decisions that affect their own lives and the lives of others. Alas, sometimes this leaves those fellows unfulfilled. Power only lasts so long. After all, every president eventually becomes an ex-president.

Epicures of differing kinds take their pleasure in the creature comforts of the world. A really delicious meal, luxurious surroundings, boats, flash cars, jewelry, accumulation of assets, all appeal to many men. We all appreciate the occasional refinement, whether it is what matters most to us or not. Wine lovers fall into this category.

There are athletes, who like nothing quite so much as competition with others or against themselves. Very few of us are athletic enough to participate in sports at the college level much less professionally, but lots of us really like getting out there on the old softball field to run down a few flyballs, or finish a jog-a-thon for charity. The faster our time the better. If we can't participate, we can at least enjoy watching. And don't even get me started on the golfers of the world!

Family men are the male nurturers of the world. Look for them at the circus or the zoo, kids in tow, explaining the habits of the ferocious tiger or why the lions don't want to do anything but sleep. (Once I took a pair of young nieces to the zoo on the one day of the long year when the male lions were feeling amorous. "What are they doing, Uncle Pete?" Well, try to avoid explaining that to kids.) They change diapers, help with homework, offer advice, and generally enjoy it all. When the nest is empty again it leaves these guys a little sad and lonely.

They, and other men, often fill the empty places with adventure. The Indiana Joneses of the world are looking for excitement, and the more dangerous the better. Even those of us who are too shy for derring-do envy those who live such risky lives. Otherwise, we wouldn't have so many detective stories on television or in print. NASCAR would go right out of business.

All of these things have their adherents, and readers probably recognize themselves in one or more of them. For me, though, there's one other pleasure that beats them all. You all know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about cleaning up cat vomit. Yes, give me some cat vomit to clean and I'm one happy fella. So it's just a wonderful coincidence that I married a woman who's very fond of cats and has brought a number of them into our house. And the vomit they produce! I could just go on and on. Chunky vomit, thin runny vomit, vomit full of half-digested cat food pellets are only some of the kinds of cat vomit I've come to know and love.

I'll control myself now. You're all jealous of me and the cat vomit, but that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'll stop here except to say, "If you like cleaning up cat vomit, just imagine the fun of cleaning up cat urine!"