Once again, we hear from CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, the superhero with the amazing power to point out what everyone else already knows. Today CAPTAIN OBVIOUS discusses Christmas, that annual festival of goodwill and greed that so far this year has not caused a single shopping fatality from trampling in the United States.
Christmas is a time of tradition and the CAPTAIN would like to point out certain archaic words and images associated with the holiday. First, the CAPTAIN notes the use of words that are no longer used except at this time of year: "merry" and "jolly." We all say, "Merry Christmas" to each other, but do we use that word at any other time of year? "Merry Memorial Day," or "Merry birthday," just don't sound right and would provoke some interesting reactions if tried. The CAPTAIN supposes that if Robin Hood should come up in the conversation the word "merry" might be used, but that's about it.
Likewise, describe someone as "jolly" nowadays and just wait for the reaction. Have some ice handy, because someone is sure to misinterpret your comment.
Children especially like to sing about a one-horse open sleigh, but unless you're watching the movie "Christmas in Connecticut" you probably don't know what such a contraption looks like. Modern people are most apt to connect the lyrics with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. By the same token, the CAPTAIN will bet not one person in a thousand can say what a "bob-tail" refers to or why one would be festooned with bells.
Shall the CAPTAIN even discuss figgy pudding? Who among us has ever prepared or eaten the stuff? The CAPTAIN imagines the following dialog.
WIFE (in kitchen): "How can we get them to go home? They're in there singing. Off-key too!"
HUSBAND: "They're your friends. Think of something. I never wanted to have them over in the first place."
WIFE: "Now they're going on about figgy pudding and saying they won't go until they get some. Do we know how to make figgy pudding?"
HUSBAND: "There's some Fig Newtons in the pantry, left over from the Fourth of July picnic. Mash them up in a bowl, plop some whipped cream on it, tell 'em it's figgy pudding, and get them the hell out of here."
Oh tannenbaum, oh tannenbaum. Years ago some wit thought about how Mr. Spock from Star Trek would have interpreted the Christmas tree tradition. "They go into the woods and chop down some unoffending conifer, then drag it into their house and hang sparkling balls all over it. The logic escapes me."
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS will merely point out the nearly endless succession of arguments that erupt around the Christmas tree; what tree to get, how much it will be damaged on the way home, where to set it up, how many ornaments to hang on it, which ones, where they came from, why do we still have that tacky ornament, it looks like a fish in distress, you're sentimental about it, why?
You probably really don't want an answer to that question. The answer might be something like, "That was given to me by an old boyfriend, the year we spent Christmas together at a ski lodge. All day long we were on the ski slopes, and all night we. . ."
The CAPTAIN now closes by pointing out the obvious fact that here in America we all go through Christmas together. The holiday is mandatory, whether or not it includes things like eggnog or an annual Christmas letter that glosses over all of a person's failures and instead highlights the little triumphs of life. ("Susie's hours of practice on the piccolo really paid off this year as she moved up from seventh chair all the way to sixth chair in the junior high school orchestra.")
Happy Christmas to one and all. Be careful around the doorway at Walmart or Target or any other department store.
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