God help me, I've discovered poetry. I really like this one, especially as I work in a library and see people like this almost daily.
The Criticby C. K. Williams, from Flesh and Blood (Farrar, Straus, and Giroux)
In the Boston Public Library on Boylston Street, where all the
bums come in stinking from the cold,
there was one who had a battered loose-leaf book he used to
scribble in for hours on end.
He wrote with no apparent hesitation, quickly, and with
concentration; his inspiration was inspiring;
you had to look again to realize that he was writing over
words that were already there——
blocks of cursive etched into the softened paper, interspersed with
poems in print he'd pasted in.
I hated to think of the volumes he'd violated to construct his opus,
but I liked him anyway,
especially the way he'd often reach the end, close his work with
weary satisfaction, then open again
and start again: page one, chapter one, his blood-rimmed eyes as
rapt as David's doing psalms.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Nativity
For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name. 50
And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation. 51 He hath
shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of
their hearts. 52 He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them
of low degree. 53 He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he
hath sent empty away. 54
As has become my habit, I spent some time reading the nativity stories in Matthew and Luke this week. We all remember the second chapter of Luke best, I think, how Caesar wanted to take a census so he'd know how much money he could bleed from Rome's conquests, how Joseph and Mary journeyed to Bethlehem, just east of Jerusalem, and how Jesus was born there in a stable because the Holiday Inn of two thousand years ago was full.
The quote at the beginning of this entry is from the first chapter of Luke, however, probably not read as often and Mary is the speaker. I doubt it gets a reading around the Koch brothers' Christmas dinner table at any rate. Was Mary in favor of "income redistribution?" Would she have relied on private charity for unfortunate people or would she have supported government action on their behalf, and I don't just mean Caesar's public works program in Rome, shovel-ready though it might have been.
Two other things struck me as I read the gospel stories. First, on two occasions, Jospeh bases his actions on dreams, taking Mary and the baby to Egypt to avoid Herod's murderous attempt on the child's life, then returning to Israel when Herod's death is revealed to him in a dream. The ancients seem to have given much greater credence to dreams and a dreamworld than modern people do. Can you imagine the local reaction to a modern person who fled on the basis of a dream?
Then, I thought I had found a boo-boo in Matthew. The gospeler first tells us the Star of Bethlehem was seen by Wise Men in the east. Then the Wise Men are quoted saying they had seen the star in the east. It took me awhile to realize they were repeating that they were in the east, not the star, the star must have been in their western sky. Otherwise, they would have had to approach Jerusalem and Bethlehem from the west, whould would probably have required a dip in the Mediterranean Sea.
Once, years ago, I attended a planetarium show that tried to explain the star. Astronomers had made a survey of the skies, looking for the remains of a nova or supernova that might have exxploded at about that time. As I remember it, there isn't a good candidate. They then considered that there could have been a conjunction of planets or planets and stars that would have been especially bright. Jupiter, it turns out, was close to Regulus in the night sky at about the time Jesus was born.
But I believe the people of two thousand years ago were much more attentive to the night sky than we are today. They would not have mistaken something like that for a new star. As far as I'm concerned, either the Star was a miracle or it didn't happen at all.
Well, it's snowing here in Colo Spgs as I write this, five or six inches down and a little more to come. We'll have a white Christmas here, even if it's only leftover snow. For those of you in the east, I'll bet you get the storm on Christmas eve or Christmas day.
Merry Christmas. May all your cares be light.
As has become my habit, I spent some time reading the nativity stories in Matthew and Luke this week. We all remember the second chapter of Luke best, I think, how Caesar wanted to take a census so he'd know how much money he could bleed from Rome's conquests, how Joseph and Mary journeyed to Bethlehem, just east of Jerusalem, and how Jesus was born there in a stable because the Holiday Inn of two thousand years ago was full.
The quote at the beginning of this entry is from the first chapter of Luke, however, probably not read as often and Mary is the speaker. I doubt it gets a reading around the Koch brothers' Christmas dinner table at any rate. Was Mary in favor of "income redistribution?" Would she have relied on private charity for unfortunate people or would she have supported government action on their behalf, and I don't just mean Caesar's public works program in Rome, shovel-ready though it might have been.
Two other things struck me as I read the gospel stories. First, on two occasions, Jospeh bases his actions on dreams, taking Mary and the baby to Egypt to avoid Herod's murderous attempt on the child's life, then returning to Israel when Herod's death is revealed to him in a dream. The ancients seem to have given much greater credence to dreams and a dreamworld than modern people do. Can you imagine the local reaction to a modern person who fled on the basis of a dream?
Then, I thought I had found a boo-boo in Matthew. The gospeler first tells us the Star of Bethlehem was seen by Wise Men in the east. Then the Wise Men are quoted saying they had seen the star in the east. It took me awhile to realize they were repeating that they were in the east, not the star, the star must have been in their western sky. Otherwise, they would have had to approach Jerusalem and Bethlehem from the west, whould would probably have required a dip in the Mediterranean Sea.
Once, years ago, I attended a planetarium show that tried to explain the star. Astronomers had made a survey of the skies, looking for the remains of a nova or supernova that might have exxploded at about that time. As I remember it, there isn't a good candidate. They then considered that there could have been a conjunction of planets or planets and stars that would have been especially bright. Jupiter, it turns out, was close to Regulus in the night sky at about the time Jesus was born.
But I believe the people of two thousand years ago were much more attentive to the night sky than we are today. They would not have mistaken something like that for a new star. As far as I'm concerned, either the Star was a miracle or it didn't happen at all.
Well, it's snowing here in Colo Spgs as I write this, five or six inches down and a little more to come. We'll have a white Christmas here, even if it's only leftover snow. For those of you in the east, I'll bet you get the storm on Christmas eve or Christmas day.
Merry Christmas. May all your cares be light.
Monday, December 19, 2011
"Circle of Steel" by Gordon Lightfoot
Rows of lights in a circle of steel
Where you place your bets on a great big wheel
High windows flickerin' down through the snow
A time you know
Sights and sounds of the people goin' 'round
Everybody's in step with the season
A child is born to a welfare case
Where the rats run around like they own the place
The room is chilly, the building is old
That's how it goes
The doctor's found on his welfare round
And he comes and he leaves on the double
Deck The Halls was the song they played
In the flat next door where they shout all day
She tips her gin bottle back till it's gone
The child is strong
A week, a day, they will take it away
For they know about all her bad habits
Christmas dawns and the snow lets up
And the sun hits the handle of her heirloom cup
She hides her face in her hands for a while
Says look here child
Your father's pride was his means to provide
And he's servin' three years for that reason
Rows of lights in a circle of steel
Where you place your bets on a great big wheel
High windows flickerin' down through the snow
A time you know
Sights and sounds of the people goin' 'round
Everybody's in step with the season
Where you place your bets on a great big wheel
High windows flickerin' down through the snow
A time you know
Sights and sounds of the people goin' 'round
Everybody's in step with the season
A child is born to a welfare case
Where the rats run around like they own the place
The room is chilly, the building is old
That's how it goes
The doctor's found on his welfare round
And he comes and he leaves on the double
Deck The Halls was the song they played
In the flat next door where they shout all day
She tips her gin bottle back till it's gone
The child is strong
A week, a day, they will take it away
For they know about all her bad habits
Christmas dawns and the snow lets up
And the sun hits the handle of her heirloom cup
She hides her face in her hands for a while
Says look here child
Your father's pride was his means to provide
And he's servin' three years for that reason
Rows of lights in a circle of steel
Where you place your bets on a great big wheel
High windows flickerin' down through the snow
A time you know
Sights and sounds of the people goin' 'round
Everybody's in step with the season
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The Tax Cut Deal
House GOP leaders want new payroll tax cut bill
By ALAN FRAM Associated Press The Associated Press
Sunday, December 18, 2011 9:06 PM EST
WASHINGTON (AP) — Top House Republicans rebelled Sunday against a bipartisan, Senate-approved bill extending payroll tax cuts and jobless benefits for two months.
The House GOP defiance cast uncertainty over how quickly Congress would forestall a tax increase otherwise heading straight at 160 million workers beginning New Year's Day. House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, said it could be finished within two weeks, which suggested that lawmakers might have to spend much of their usual holiday break battling each other in the Capitol.
A day after rank-and-file House GOP lawmakers used a conference call to spew venom against the Senate-passed bill, Boehner said he opposed the legislation and wanted congressional bargainers to craft a new, yearlong version.
"The president said we shouldn't be going anywhere without getting our work done," Boehner said on NBC's "Meet the Press," referring to President Barack Obama's oft-repeated promise to postpone his Christmastime trip to Hawaii if the legislation was not finished. "Let's get our work done, let's do this for a year."
A spokeswoman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., said the House would vote Monday to either request formal bargaining with the Senate or to make the legislation "responsible and in line with the needs of hard-working taxpayers and middle-class families."
Cantor spokeswoman Laena Fallon did not specify what those changes might be, beyond a longer-lasting bill. Boehner, though, expressed support for "reasonable reductions in spending" in a House-approved payroll tax bill and for provisions that blocked some Obama administration anti-pollution rules.
Democrats leaped at what they saw as a chance to champion lower- and middle-income Americans by accusing Republicans of threatening a wide tax increase unless their demands are met. If Congress doesn't act, workers would see their take-home checks cut by 2 percentage points beginning Jan. 1, when this year's 4.2 percent payroll tax reverts to its normal 6.2 percent.
So, they want to reduce environmental protections and are holding this tax relief measure hostage to do it. They like to talk about about unnecessary regulations, but they never speccify what they have in mind. It's really all about smoke stack emission standards, though, gaining even greater profits for a few at the expense of untold numbers of suffereres from respiratory ailments.
The House GOP defiance cast uncertainty over how quickly Congress would forestall a tax increase otherwise heading straight at 160 million workers beginning New Year's Day. House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, said it could be finished within two weeks, which suggested that lawmakers might have to spend much of their usual holiday break battling each other in the Capitol.
A day after rank-and-file House GOP lawmakers used a conference call to spew venom against the Senate-passed bill, Boehner said he opposed the legislation and wanted congressional bargainers to craft a new, yearlong version.
"The president said we shouldn't be going anywhere without getting our work done," Boehner said on NBC's "Meet the Press," referring to President Barack Obama's oft-repeated promise to postpone his Christmastime trip to Hawaii if the legislation was not finished. "Let's get our work done, let's do this for a year."
A spokeswoman for House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, R-Va., said the House would vote Monday to either request formal bargaining with the Senate or to make the legislation "responsible and in line with the needs of hard-working taxpayers and middle-class families."
Cantor spokeswoman Laena Fallon did not specify what those changes might be, beyond a longer-lasting bill. Boehner, though, expressed support for "reasonable reductions in spending" in a House-approved payroll tax bill and for provisions that blocked some Obama administration anti-pollution rules.
Democrats leaped at what they saw as a chance to champion lower- and middle-income Americans by accusing Republicans of threatening a wide tax increase unless their demands are met. If Congress doesn't act, workers would see their take-home checks cut by 2 percentage points beginning Jan. 1, when this year's 4.2 percent payroll tax reverts to its normal 6.2 percent.
So, they want to reduce environmental protections and are holding this tax relief measure hostage to do it. They like to talk about about unnecessary regulations, but they never speccify what they have in mind. It's really all about smoke stack emission standards, though, gaining even greater profits for a few at the expense of untold numbers of suffereres from respiratory ailments.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Rick Scott, Governor of Florida
This is a quote from the Wikipedia article on Rick Scott.
On March 19, 1997, investigators from the FBI, the Internal Revenue Service and the Department of Health and Human Services served search warrants at Columbia/HCA facilities in El Paso and on dozens of doctors with suspected ties to the company.[20]
Following the raids, the Columbia/HCA board of directors forced Scott to resign as Chairman and CEO.[21] He was paid $9.88 million in a settlement. He also left owning 10 million shares of stock worth over $350 million.[22][23][24]
In 1999, Columbia/HCA changed its name back to HCA, Inc.
In settlements reached in 2000 and 2002, Columbia/HCA plead guilty to 14 felonies and agreed to a $600+ million fine in the largest fraud settlement in US history. Columbia/HCA admitted systematically overcharging the government by claiming marketing costs as reimbursable, by striking illegal deals with home care agencies, and by filing false data about use of hospital space. They also admitted fraudulently billing Medicare and other health programs by inflating the seriousness of diagnoses and to giving doctors partnerships in company hospitals as a kickback for the doctors referring patients to HCA. They filed false cost reports, fraudulently billing Medicare for home health care workers, and paid kickbacks in the sale of home health agencies and to doctors to refer patients. In addition, they gave doctors "loans" never intending to be repaid, free rent, free office furniture, and free drugs from hospital pharmacies.[4][5][6][7][8]
In late 2002, HCA agreed to pay the U.S. government $631 million, plus interest, and pay $17.5 million to state Medicaid agencies, in addition to $250 million paid up to that point to resolve outstanding Medicare expense claims.[25] In all, civil law suits cost HCA more than $2 billion to settle, by far the largest fraud settlement in US history.[26]
How did this guy manage to stay out of jail, much less become governor of Florida?
On March 19, 1997, investigators from the FBI, the Internal Revenue Service and the Department of Health and Human Services served search warrants at Columbia/HCA facilities in El Paso and on dozens of doctors with suspected ties to the company.[20]
Following the raids, the Columbia/HCA board of directors forced Scott to resign as Chairman and CEO.[21] He was paid $9.88 million in a settlement. He also left owning 10 million shares of stock worth over $350 million.[22][23][24]
In 1999, Columbia/HCA changed its name back to HCA, Inc.
In settlements reached in 2000 and 2002, Columbia/HCA plead guilty to 14 felonies and agreed to a $600+ million fine in the largest fraud settlement in US history. Columbia/HCA admitted systematically overcharging the government by claiming marketing costs as reimbursable, by striking illegal deals with home care agencies, and by filing false data about use of hospital space. They also admitted fraudulently billing Medicare and other health programs by inflating the seriousness of diagnoses and to giving doctors partnerships in company hospitals as a kickback for the doctors referring patients to HCA. They filed false cost reports, fraudulently billing Medicare for home health care workers, and paid kickbacks in the sale of home health agencies and to doctors to refer patients. In addition, they gave doctors "loans" never intending to be repaid, free rent, free office furniture, and free drugs from hospital pharmacies.[4][5][6][7][8]
In late 2002, HCA agreed to pay the U.S. government $631 million, plus interest, and pay $17.5 million to state Medicaid agencies, in addition to $250 million paid up to that point to resolve outstanding Medicare expense claims.[25] In all, civil law suits cost HCA more than $2 billion to settle, by far the largest fraud settlement in US history.[26]
How did this guy manage to stay out of jail, much less become governor of Florida?
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Revolutionary Diplomacy
Back many years ago, when I was trying to get a minor in political science, I took a course in international relations, and one of the interesting facets of the worldwide scene was the difference between the way new governments and established nations negotiate. At about the time I was learning this the Paris peace talks were starting. We Americans spent a month arguing with the North Vietnamese about the shape of the conference table, so the course did have some immediate relevance.
The jist of it is that established nations set out a maximum position at the beginning of negotiations, knowing they won't get all they ask for, and are willing to surrender some objectives to gain others. Brand new governments, those that have come to power by violent or at least extralegal methods, also set out a maximum position. The difference is that they cling to this set of demands, never budging, in the expectation that their opposites will wear down and give them everything. Only when it seems as if the negotiations are about to collapse will the revolutionary government suddenly be ready to strike a deal.
I bring this up now, because it seems that the idea of intransigence has been tranferred into our own domestic political situation. The revolutionaries in now are the Congressional Republicans who have refused to compromise on much of anything, and have managed to get away with it because the president and the Democrats in Congress were unprepared for the fight the GOP gave them and - might as well just be honest - many Democrats haven't shown much backbone.
The trouble for the Republicans is that the Democrats are beginning to use the same technique, now called brinksmanship, to salvage some of their right to govern, a right based on their occupancy of the White House and a majority in the Senate.
What does this mean for the America we all love? More years of gridlock, more years when deals are finally made between a few leaders in Congress and the president at the last minute, rather than through thoughtful legislation. More chance for bad laws and bad appropriations to get through.
Woe is us.
The jist of it is that established nations set out a maximum position at the beginning of negotiations, knowing they won't get all they ask for, and are willing to surrender some objectives to gain others. Brand new governments, those that have come to power by violent or at least extralegal methods, also set out a maximum position. The difference is that they cling to this set of demands, never budging, in the expectation that their opposites will wear down and give them everything. Only when it seems as if the negotiations are about to collapse will the revolutionary government suddenly be ready to strike a deal.
I bring this up now, because it seems that the idea of intransigence has been tranferred into our own domestic political situation. The revolutionaries in now are the Congressional Republicans who have refused to compromise on much of anything, and have managed to get away with it because the president and the Democrats in Congress were unprepared for the fight the GOP gave them and - might as well just be honest - many Democrats haven't shown much backbone.
The trouble for the Republicans is that the Democrats are beginning to use the same technique, now called brinksmanship, to salvage some of their right to govern, a right based on their occupancy of the White House and a majority in the Senate.
What does this mean for the America we all love? More years of gridlock, more years when deals are finally made between a few leaders in Congress and the president at the last minute, rather than through thoughtful legislation. More chance for bad laws and bad appropriations to get through.
Woe is us.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Deck the Halls
Kris and I have been decorating our Christmas tree this afternoon. One string of lights didn't work, so we have fallen back onto a string of all red lights and decided to continue the ut theme with red ornaments. (No jokes about our red light district please.)
I've been going through other Christmas rituals this week. Movies on tap have been "The Holiday" with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet, and "Love Actually" with a large cast, mostly of Brits. Next will be "A Christmas Story," the story of a small boy and his quest for a genuine Red Ryder bb gun and everyone's favorite "It's a Wonderful Life," reserved for Christmas eve.
Both of the first two movies are about love lost and found at Christmas time, with a bow to Channukah in "The Holiday." In "Love Actually" there's a school representation of the manger scene with the strangest collection of animals to witness the birth of Jesus ever contemplated - all aquatic beasties. No donkey or lamb, but a whale, a lobster, an octopus, and for some reason, a spider.
On a slightly more intellectual level, I've read Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol again, which I do every year. I was struck this year by how rich Dickens' prose is. Mostly though, I remember my father reading the story to us every year and how much I enjoyed it, and miss him. The story can be summed up very quickly of course. Old Ebenezer Scrooge, stingy and greedy to the core, has a little too much to drink on Christmas eve, has a series of nightmares and awakens on Christmas morning a changed man. The story thereby highlights the potential we all have to reform our lives and achieve true happiness. It's timeless, really, though Dickens places it firmly in nineteenth century London. In fact, we always had ttrouble with his descriptions, hearing the story in Miami. Fog and frost were unknown to us and we couldn't fathom the importance of cold weather in the tale.
As I type this I'm watching/listening to a production of "The Nutcracker" on PBS - never a favorite part of the Christmas season to me but it does certainly fit in with this time of year.
And I promise I will read and reflect on the gospel stories in Matthew and Luke concerning the birth of Jesus before Christmas day. Once again, a merry Christmas to all friends and family. For those of you in northern climes, I hope it will be white.
I've been going through other Christmas rituals this week. Movies on tap have been "The Holiday" with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet, and "Love Actually" with a large cast, mostly of Brits. Next will be "A Christmas Story," the story of a small boy and his quest for a genuine Red Ryder bb gun and everyone's favorite "It's a Wonderful Life," reserved for Christmas eve.
Both of the first two movies are about love lost and found at Christmas time, with a bow to Channukah in "The Holiday." In "Love Actually" there's a school representation of the manger scene with the strangest collection of animals to witness the birth of Jesus ever contemplated - all aquatic beasties. No donkey or lamb, but a whale, a lobster, an octopus, and for some reason, a spider.
On a slightly more intellectual level, I've read Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol again, which I do every year. I was struck this year by how rich Dickens' prose is. Mostly though, I remember my father reading the story to us every year and how much I enjoyed it, and miss him. The story can be summed up very quickly of course. Old Ebenezer Scrooge, stingy and greedy to the core, has a little too much to drink on Christmas eve, has a series of nightmares and awakens on Christmas morning a changed man. The story thereby highlights the potential we all have to reform our lives and achieve true happiness. It's timeless, really, though Dickens places it firmly in nineteenth century London. In fact, we always had ttrouble with his descriptions, hearing the story in Miami. Fog and frost were unknown to us and we couldn't fathom the importance of cold weather in the tale.
As I type this I'm watching/listening to a production of "The Nutcracker" on PBS - never a favorite part of the Christmas season to me but it does certainly fit in with this time of year.
And I promise I will read and reflect on the gospel stories in Matthew and Luke concerning the birth of Jesus before Christmas day. Once again, a merry Christmas to all friends and family. For those of you in northern climes, I hope it will be white.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Light One Candle at Christmas
Light one candle for the Maccabee children
With thanks their light didn't die;
Light one candle for the pain they endured
When their right to exist was denied;
Light one candle for the terrible sacrifice
Justice and freedom demand;
And light one candle for the wisdom to know
That the peacemaker's time is at hand!
Chorus:
Don't let the light go out,
It's lasted for so many years!
Don't let the light go out!
Let it shine through our love and our tears!
Light one candle for the strength that we need
To never become our own foe;
Light one candle for those who are suff'ring
A pain they learned so long ago;
Light one candle for all we believe in,
That anger not tear us apart;
And light one candle to bind us together
With peace as the song in our heart!
(chorus)
What is the memory that's valued so highly
That we keep it alive in that flame?
What's the commitment to those who have died?
We cry out "they've not died in vain,"
We have come this far, always believing
That justice will somehow prevail;
This is the burden, This is the promise,
This is why we will not fail!
(chorus)
Don't let the light go out!
Don't let the light go out!
Don't let the light go out!
With thanks their light didn't die;
Light one candle for the pain they endured
When their right to exist was denied;
Light one candle for the terrible sacrifice
Justice and freedom demand;
And light one candle for the wisdom to know
That the peacemaker's time is at hand!
Chorus:
Don't let the light go out,
It's lasted for so many years!
Don't let the light go out!
Let it shine through our love and our tears!
Light one candle for the strength that we need
To never become our own foe;
Light one candle for those who are suff'ring
A pain they learned so long ago;
Light one candle for all we believe in,
That anger not tear us apart;
And light one candle to bind us together
With peace as the song in our heart!
(chorus)
What is the memory that's valued so highly
That we keep it alive in that flame?
What's the commitment to those who have died?
We cry out "they've not died in vain,"
We have come this far, always believing
That justice will somehow prevail;
This is the burden, This is the promise,
This is why we will not fail!
(chorus)
Don't let the light go out!
Don't let the light go out!
Don't let the light go out!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, Christmas Edition
Once again, we hear from CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, the superhero with the amazing power to point out what everyone else already knows. Today CAPTAIN OBVIOUS discusses Christmas, that annual festival of goodwill and greed that so far this year has not caused a single shopping fatality from trampling in the United States.
Christmas is a time of tradition and the CAPTAIN would like to point out certain archaic words and images associated with the holiday. First, the CAPTAIN notes the use of words that are no longer used except at this time of year: "merry" and "jolly." We all say, "Merry Christmas" to each other, but do we use that word at any other time of year? "Merry Memorial Day," or "Merry birthday," just don't sound right and would provoke some interesting reactions if tried. The CAPTAIN supposes that if Robin Hood should come up in the conversation the word "merry" might be used, but that's about it.
Likewise, describe someone as "jolly" nowadays and just wait for the reaction. Have some ice handy, because someone is sure to misinterpret your comment.
Children especially like to sing about a one-horse open sleigh, but unless you're watching the movie "Christmas in Connecticut" you probably don't know what such a contraption looks like. Modern people are most apt to connect the lyrics with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. By the same token, the CAPTAIN will bet not one person in a thousand can say what a "bob-tail" refers to or why one would be festooned with bells.
Shall the CAPTAIN even discuss figgy pudding? Who among us has ever prepared or eaten the stuff? The CAPTAIN imagines the following dialog.
WIFE (in kitchen): "How can we get them to go home? They're in there singing. Off-key too!"
HUSBAND: "They're your friends. Think of something. I never wanted to have them over in the first place."
WIFE: "Now they're going on about figgy pudding and saying they won't go until they get some. Do we know how to make figgy pudding?"
HUSBAND: "There's some Fig Newtons in the pantry, left over from the Fourth of July picnic. Mash them up in a bowl, plop some whipped cream on it, tell 'em it's figgy pudding, and get them the hell out of here."
Oh tannenbaum, oh tannenbaum. Years ago some wit thought about how Mr. Spock from Star Trek would have interpreted the Christmas tree tradition. "They go into the woods and chop down some unoffending conifer, then drag it into their house and hang sparkling balls all over it. The logic escapes me."
CAPTAIN OBVIOUS will merely point out the nearly endless succession of arguments that erupt around the Christmas tree; what tree to get, how much it will be damaged on the way home, where to set it up, how many ornaments to hang on it, which ones, where they came from, why do we still have that tacky ornament, it looks like a fish in distress, you're sentimental about it, why?
You probably really don't want an answer to that question. The answer might be something like, "That was given to me by an old boyfriend, the year we spent Christmas together at a ski lodge. All day long we were on the ski slopes, and all night we. . ."
The CAPTAIN now closes by pointing out the obvious fact that here in America we all go through Christmas together. The holiday is mandatory, whether or not it includes things like eggnog or an annual Christmas letter that glosses over all of a person's failures and instead highlights the little triumphs of life. ("Susie's hours of practice on the piccolo really paid off this year as she moved up from seventh chair all the way to sixth chair in the junior high school orchestra.")
Happy Christmas to one and all. Be careful around the doorway at Walmart or Target or any other department store.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
FEARLESS PREDICTIONS for 2012
Well, after last year's mixed record, your FEARLESS prognosticator must summon all his courage (or chutzpah) to examine what hasn't even happened yet. But here we go!
Lets get the big ones out of the way right now. President Obama will be re-elected next November and by about the same margin he won by in 2008. His opponent will be Mitt Romney, the Stepford Republican, the Republican that three-quarters of Republicans would rather not have as their candidate.
Republicans will retain control of the House of Representatives and Democrats will cling to their majority in the Senate. Gridlock will continue.
Having disposed of the big predictions, we can now concentrate on things that are more fun. Wedding bells for Charlie Sheen and Lady Gaga! Or Brittney Spears! Or your own sister/daughter/mother/wife. Our boy Charlie does get around. (Ooh! Jennifer Lopez!)
There will be a record cold snap somewhere this winter, prompting some wag to say, "Well, we don't hear much about global warming today, do we, ha-ha."
My wife and I will take a summer vacation trip to Oregon to visit her college friend and family and see the sights. Our fifteen year old Honda will perform flawlessly. (I hope.) I'll be able to check one more state off my life list. That'll be forty-four. Forty-five if we go through Idaho.
Baby Violet Baril will sprout teeth, begin to walk and talk and be thoroughly adorable until about Christmas, when she will learn the word "No," and suddenly become impossible. That will last through 2013 and then she'll be sweet again.
There'll be additional baby news from one of our children, but I'm not saying which one.
My siblings will come to visit us in Colorado. They'll have a great time.
My wife will finally hold the monster garage sale she's been planning during all of 2011. We'll profit by about $50 for all our preparations. We'll then try to sell other items of Ebay, but with very little success. Eventually most of out stuff will get carted to Goodwill.
I will resume playing guitar after many years without the instrument. My righthand technique will get better. It couldn't be much worse.
There will be a major natural disaster somewhere in the world - tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, fire, who knows exactly what. Americans will not pay much attention unless it takes place in our own country.
That's because our attention will be riveted on the latest sex scandal. Now you'd think with all the trouble people get into because of their sexual yearnings they'd all learn to keep their pants zipped up, but no, celebrities will keep thinking they can get away with their dirty deeds.
Last but not least, I'll learn to play winning blackjack and will become a professional gambler. (This is a toned down prediction. Last year I said I'd win the Powerball lottery. Only time will tell.)
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