A Memoir (Of Sorts)

This is a story I tell on myself.

Back in 2004, my wife and I both decided to become realtors, a decision that eventually proved to be a disaster from a financial viewpoint, but did give us some insights into the business world.

We attached ourselves to a firm in Richmond, and were invited to a training class being held in Washington D.C. One night, a banker who was associated with the realty firm (Remember I mentioned insights?) bought a luxury suite at Orioles Park at Camden Yards for the trainees. Kris was tired and decided not to go, but I rode a charter bus to Baltimore with about twenty other neophyte realtors.

I had never been in one of the luxury suites before. We were actually along the left-field corner, but there were chicken breasts and hotdogs in steamers and lots of beer. I don't drink beer anymore, but did enjoy the sandwiches. There also was a television in the suite. It was June, and the other realtors were more interested in the NBA final game to be played later in the evening between the LA Lakers and Detroit Pistons. I moved to the front of the box to watch the baseball.

The Orioles were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks that night, and their starting pitcher was Daniel Cabrera, a very tall righthander who by reputation was very good, or, more often, very very bad. He's out of baseball now.

Anyway, that night Cabrera was very good. Innings passed and the D'backs could do nothing with him. He reached the sixth inning without permitting a baserunner of any sort.

I've never seen a no-hitter, not even on television, so this was getting interesting. Not to the other realtors, who were paying no attention to anything except the beer, but to me. Cabrera retired the first two Arizona batters in the sixth. He had now set down the first seventeen men he had faced. The O's had scratched out a run and clung to a 1-0 lead.

As Cabrera began to work on the next Snake (as headline writers call them), Janet entered the story. Janet was in her twenties, quite attractive, and on this night she was wearing shorts. Not terribly provocative shorts, but she had long bronzed legs that did catch a fellow's eyes. Janet was putting together a betting pool on the NBA game. She circulated through the suite, taking names and bets, and finally stood directly in front of me.

Meanwhile, Cabrera had run the count full on the Diamondback batter. His next pitch would either preserve or lose the perfect game. As Janet stood in front of me, no farther away than I am from this laptop I'm typing on, I found myself looking around her to find out what would happen in the game.

And then I realized what I was doing. Baseball had become more important to me than female legs. It was my final last farewell to youth.

Cabrera retired the batter. A few minutes later, Steve Finley led off the Arizona seventh with a homerun, so the perfect game, the no-hitter, the shutout and the Orioles' lead all vanished at the same time. Eventually, the Diamondbacks won the game, 2-1.

Most of the realtors backed the Lakers in the pool. Just to be different, I put five bucks on the Pistons. Detroit won the game, so I made something like $40. I think it was one of my best paydays as a realtor. Everyone but me and the busdriver was drunk on the way back to Washington. (I'm sure about me, not so sure about the driver.)

I never saw Janet again.

Summer Bible School

Doom to you who legislate evil,

who make laws that make victims— Laws that make misery for the poor,

that rob my destitute people of dignity,

Exploiting defenseless widows,

taking advantage of homeless children.

What will you have to say on Judgment Day,

when Doomsday arrives out of the blue?

Who will you get to help you?

What good will your money do you?

Isaiah 10:1-3, The Message

And now for our first reader poll: what book of the Bible shall we read this summer?

For the last several years it has been a self-appointed task for me to read a book of the Bible each summer, start to finish. This is much different from the Catholic practice at Mass in which there are Bible readings, short passages chosen to make the point that Jesus is the fulfillment of the ancient prophesies. But I think it's much more interesting and edifying to read entire books in a couple of sittings. In past summers I've read the Gospel of Mark, Acts of the Apostles, Second Samuel, Esther, and Ruth. (Ruth's very short.)

I admit, I bog down in the wisdom books. One year I tried to tackle Isaiah (Bet you never thought you'd hear that expression.), but just couldn't get through it. The same thing applies to Revelations.

I'm thinking of starting at the beginning with Genesis, but am not certain. So, good readers, here's the question: would anyone like to read a book with me and engage in a commentary about it? I await your decision.

By the way, I'm making good progress painting the house trim, but just noticed that we picked a Miami Dolphin color for it. I'll be lucky if I'm not run out of Colorado! At least we didn't select black and silver.

Miscellaneous Thoughts on a Wednesday

My wife is at work, making me money, and I'm at home, relaxing after spending a couple of hours in the heat, painting house trim. It was hard work, but I still feel like a "kept man," lounging around, not doing anything productive at the moment.

I don't really mind being kept. I think of it as a rehearsal for retirement. Since I'm older than my wife, I imagine I'll retire while she still wants to work. Luckily, I know my way around a house, so will become the little man who fries up the bacon she brings home. Alas, she's a vegetarian and I don't care for bacon, so any bacon she does bring home will just sit in the fridge until it goes bad.

At our house, food does go bad in the fridge. My wife is zealous about saving tiny uneaten portions of food and then forgetting about them. Weeks later I find them in the back, moldy, and take them out to compost.

This morning I saw Senator Bernie Sanders on MSNBC. He was terrific, insisting that the current budget imbroglio could not be solved by cutting benefits to 85 year old retirees. He's enough to make me wish I lived in Vermont, just so I could vote to re-elect him.

As I write this I'm watching an old movie, "Stand by Me" on video. I've always liked it and recall nostalgically the last line, "I never had any friends again like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"

For me, the best friendships came when I was eleven. So for Alonso, Donnie, David Miller, and all the others in my fifth grade class, I wish you health and happiness wherever you are now. Also the girls I knew then, although I was just starting to learn about the glories of femininity.

The Constitution

This week's issue of "Time" magazine features a cover story concerning the Constitution of the United States. Attached to the article is a poll of Americans conducted at the behest of the magazine, measuring public opinion on four controversial matters. Here are the questions and the findings.

1. Should the Constitution be interpreted narrowly as the founders presumably intended or is it a living document to be interpreted in light of current conditions. Respondents supported the "broad" interpretation by a 54-41 margin.

2. Should a woman be entitled to a legal abortion in the first few months of pregnancy? The public voted "yes" by a 64-35 majority.

3. The 14th Amendment guarantees citizenship to everyone born in the United States. Should it be kept or altered? By a 62-35 margin, Americans want to keep the Amendment as is.

4. Does the president need Congressional approval for his current actions in Libya? Here the public said the president does need the approval of Congress 50-44%.

What intrigues me is that the first three questions show majorities for the positions usually associated with the Democrats. The fourth question also shows most people want to restrict the president's war powers, in the past part of the Democratic canon, though now exercised (or abused) by a Democrat in the White House.

So why is it that the Republicans continually and forcefully advocate unpopular positions while the Democrats, with a majority favoring their argument, always seem scared of their own shadows?

The article itself, written by Richard Stengel, presents four more issues that are in the news and argues the Constitutionality of national government action in all four of them. They are:

1. The war powers of the executive. Essentially the argument here is that presidents have been using the armed forces of the United States since the time of John Adams without Congressional approval. (In the Marine Corps hymn, the words ". . .to the shores of Tripoli" appear, a reference to Thomas Jefferson's campaign against the Barbary pirates, for which he had no Congressional declaration of war.) In fact, Congress has declared war only five times in our history, though they did authorize the two presidents Bush to use force in Iraq. Presidents must be able to commit US troops when Congress is out of session, or in emergencies.

2. The debt ceiling. Congress is empowered to borrow money on the credit of the United States, and according to the 14th Amendment, the public debt shall not be questioned. This is taken to mean the federal government cannot default on its debt. Congress must either raise the debt ceiling or immediately balance the budget. Since no one truly expects the government to balance its books next month, the only thing Congress can do is raise the debt limit. Arguing against raising the ceiling is empty posturing.

3. Congress is empowered to regulate interstate commerce. The question here concerns the Constitutionality of "Obamacare," the Health Reform Act. Mr. Stengel contends that the government can manipulate the tax code to insist that everyone carry health insurance or pay a higher tax rate.

4. Citizenship. As already noted, all persons born in the USA are citizens here, a different procedure than what exists in most other countries. People who would like to change or revoke the amendment or parts of it point to "anchor babies" who allegedly are conceived as a dodge to prevent deportation of the parents. Stengel believes this doesn't happen very often and when it does it usually involves illegal aliens who have been here for quite awhile and have become integrated into our economy and society.

Local conservative columnist Mike Rosen takes the article to task in this morning's "Denver Post," claiming the Constitution limits the powers of the national government rather than expanding them. It's true that the Bill of Rights, the first ten amendments, do circumscribe federal powers, but the body of the document authorizes government action, it doesn't limit them. Mr. Rosen needs to go back and do some remedial reading.

Minute Maid Field

The Boston Red Sox are finishing a three game series against the Houston Astros today at Minute Maid (once Enron) Field. Minute Maid/Enron is certainly the oddest ballpark built since 1912, and I would love to have been a fly on the wall during the design phase before it was built. I imagine the conversation might have gone like this.

First architect: "We have this idea for a train that people could ride around the roof of the park. It could do a lap whenever an Astro hits a homerun."

Second architect: "Um, you know, the team is actually called the Astros, so maybe we should have some sort of space theme. What does a train have to do with astronauts?"

First architect: "Well nothing really. Don't you want a train? It doesn't have to go all the way around the roof I guess. How about just above left field? And it wouldn't have to carry passengers."

Second architect: "Gee, that's not very far. You couldn't have much in the way of cars behind the engine. Why do it at all?"

First architect: "Ken Lay already put a deposit on the train, from the Enron pension fund."

Second architect: "Oh."

Third architect: "Now that we've settled the train - and I love the idea - lets talk about the field. I heard there was once a kind of a ramp in centerfield somewhere, and I think we could do that here."

Fourth architect: "Why?"

Third architect: "Why not? It's fun. C'mon."

Second architect: "Aren't the fielders likely to get hurt on the slope, or worse, misplay a fly ball?"

Third architect: "Who cares about them? Bunch of overpaid babies."

First architect: "Would it be possible to have a ramp when the visitors are in the field and then flatten it when the Astros are?"

Fourth architect: "The commissioner would never allow it."

Third architect: "There's a commissioner? Well, shouldn't it be his job to commission things? We'll just invite him to break a bottle of champagne over the stadium when it opens."

Second architect: "Forget it. It'll have to be the same ramp for both sides. Just tell the Astros not to give any big contracts to centerfielders."

First architect: "Now we get to to my real ideas. Baseball is much too conservative. It needs to be livened up."

All other architects: "Don't say anything bad about conservatives or conservatism. This is Texas, remember."

First architect: "Okay, okay. But listen to this. Pinball bumpers in the outfield. About ten feet high. The ball could ricochet in any direction!"

Second architect: Am I the architect who's against dumb things or for them? I forget."

Third architect: "I think you're the sensible one. I'm not sure though."

Second architect: "In that case, I'm saying no to the pinball bumpers right now."

First architect: "Well, if you won't go for that, how about a giant pendulum that swings across the field?"

Fourth architect: "We don't have anything to suspend it from. Get real."

First architect: "I thought you were in favor of my ideas."

Fourth architect: "I don't remember either, but I hadn't said anything for a while."

Third architect: "Management wouldn't want anything that the word 'giant' is attached to. The team from San Francisco visits every year, you know."

First architect: "And how did that happen? We should be the giants. Everything in Texas is bigger, including waistlines. Now I've saved my best idea for last. We put a series of cannons around the field. . ."

Second architect: "You're not thinking of killing the visitors!"

First architect: "No, but now that you mention it. . . the cannons are to shoot additional baseballs onto the field when an Astro hits the ball, confusing the opposition and, even better, the umpires. The fans here would love it!"

One of the other architects, I just stopped caring which one: "Save it for the fourth of July or Republican election victories."

First architect: "Dress the team as astronauts? Give out the home addresses of the umpires? Live video of the Miss Texas pageant? Beer keg at second base? Ooh, ooh, bubblegum cards with pictures of all the inmates on death row!"

Another architect: "Collect 'em all, they won't be around for long!"

Well, that's about it. They never did get to use any of the ideas except the train and the ramp, but they're still on the drawing board, along with space launches during the seventh inning stretch, steak eating contests featuring the players, usherettes in short shorts, and between innings lectures by Ron Paul. See ya'll real soon.

(Fifth inning: Red Sox 1, Astros 0.)