How to Annoy People

I laid in bed last night thinking about annoying television commercials. Only after some time had passed did I realize this isn't conducive to sleep, which was my objective. But I did compile a list of particularly offensive ads, and here it is.

Any commercial featuring a local used car dealer. Here in Colo Spgs we have "Dealin' Doug," who shouts that he won't be undersold, will beat any other dealer's offer and will accept any credit application. During the autumn he appears holding a football, as if to persuade us that no football fan would ever take advantage of us. He's loud, strident, and devious. He has to accept any credit application by law. Doesn't mean you'll get a car loan.

Any commercial featuring a personal injury lawyer. Again, locally, we have a lawyer who calls himself "the strong arm," and has testimonials from people who say he procured large cash settlements for their injuries. Looking at him, I'd have to say he's more accurately the "obese arm," or the "flabby arm," but no matter. Another lawyer here in Colorado claims you can snap your fingers, "It's just that easy," for him to settle a case in your favor. Finally, a third attorney runs ads comparing the injured party to Little Red Riding Hood, and the insurance company to the Big Bad Wolf. I have very little sympathy for insurance companies but this is (almost) enough to make me want to support limiting awards to injured plaintiffs.

J.G. Wentworth. I mentioned him in another post, but must chastise him again. Singing annuitants throwing open windows to insist, "It's my money and I need it now," reminds me of the movie "Network" and the exclamation, "I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." Probably that's the idea. The fact that J.G. Wentworth is preying on other peoples' misfortunes is the important point here.

Commercials featuring people who are much younger than I am, but nevertheless worry they're getting old. Oh, yes, poor thing, you're nearly thirty now. Those laugh lines are getting a bit deeper. Your hair is getting gray. Especially egregious, from my standpoint, are the ads for men's hair coloring. So you dyed your hair and got the big promotion, and the babe who interviewed you is giving you that, "Come and get me," look. Oh, please.

Body-building ads. Get ripped in just six weeks, exercising only fifteen minutes daily (or five minutes, or ten seconds, or just buy the product and store it in your basement). One machine promises to "harness the awesome power of dynamic inertia," which makes no sense to me whatsoever. Inertia is sitting on the couch, for cryin' out loud. The none too subtle sexual content of these ads also bothers me. Get that hard body and have lots of sex with lots of different women, all of whom will also be super-toned.

That woman in the pants-suit who tells us how wonderful off-shore oil drilling is. It's only one year since eleven men died when the BP rig exploded, and the Gulf of Mexico was fouled by oil that will be there for generations. Do they think we've forgotten so soon? The same contempt for us is manifested by ads touting coal mining.

Political ads. I could endure these if they were actually informative, but nowadays they're almost all meant to disparage the candidate's opponent, not tell us about the attributes of the person running the ad. "My opponent hangs around playgrounds, waiting to seduce your kids. He wants to destroy our economy and hand over the keys to the White House to Osama bin Laden. He's so soft on crime he even paroled me. We can't have a man like that in public office. Vote for me instead." Political skulduggery has been around since Biblical times, of course. Just remember Absolom, trying to undermine his father, David. But lately it's just become reprehensible.

Firestone tire ads. Singing bystanders as Dad becomes a hero for driving on Firestones. It's insipid and insults our intelligence.

And finally, the worst.

Viagra. "Viva, Viagra," they sing, middle-aged men who are just so happy not to be flaccid anymore. Setting aside the appropriateness, or inappropriateness, of these ads, they promote the kind of "performance enhancement from a pill" culture that we rightly bemoan. Do you want to prolong your sex life? Well then, lose weight, exercise, read erotic poetry, make an effort to satisfy your love partner. But it's so much easier to just take a pill.

By the way, these medications can fall into unintended hands. When I was teaching school I overheard a boy say that another boy had taken four of the kid's father's Viagra tablets all at once. Teenagers will try anything. They're like the rest of us.