A Press release from Heaven

God announced today a major change in the standards for salvation. Called "Sin-and-Trade," it should allow a much different method of achieving eternal happiness.

"Up to now, of course, each person was responsible for his or her own sins," God explained. Our new plan will provide a way for wealthy people to enter the kingdom. You probably remember my Son railing on and on about rich people: "It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven," He claimed. "Well, what we're after here is just a way to level the playing field. We don't want any of this 'salvation redistribution' idea taking hold.

"Rich people are often called 'gifted.' This one can catch a flyball hit directly over his head, that one can hit high C, those other ones can figure out a complicated tax code to take advantage of loopholes, and all of them profit from their 'gifts' all out of proportion to any benefit they might provide to the population at large. People at the bottom of the income ladder are never called gifted. You never say, 'He has a gift for collecting garbage, she really has a knack for checking out groceries.' Unfortunately, folks who have done so well with what was given to them also have a way of committing large sins. Think about Tiger Woods and you'll know what I mean. Or Dick Cheney. Now why should they have to go to hell and leave all the poor people in heaven?

"Our new idea allows rich folks who have sinned to trade their wickedness to people who are virtuous but broke. That way, sinners can make their way into paradise and poorer people can have some earthly comforts, or at least necessities. Now, we've had to wrestle with the question of how much various sins are worth, but in the end we think we'll leave the matter to good old private enterprise. Sinners can even look for bargains - truly indigent people will sell their chance at eternal bliss much more quickly than those who are of just modest means. We recommend trying Haiti. It's really just compassionate conservatism."